I so envied my friends braving storms, sea sickness and running in several feet of fresh snow that to ease my mind for not being able to partake in my Antarctic adventure I re-read the detailed radiologists’ report of my Achilles tendon MRI. This was a sure way to once and for all rid myself of ridiculous self pity and rejoin the road to reality. Having a fair amount of schooling in anatomy I deciphered enough info to feel some significant anatomical shock and awe.
In short, the whole foot/ankle lower calf area resembles a war zone in Bagdad with no intermittent electricity perks. Between signs of past damage, ongoing damage, and the current issues, it might be prudent to hack my leg off about mid calf and start over with a bionic one. An aside: I must disclose a bizarre fantasy I’ve had while running (pre-MRI). I look for other runners with a natural and healthy looking gait and wonder what it would be like to hijack their left Achilles. What if my left Achilles could feel as solid as my right one does? What running I could accomplish in far off lands!
But then I wake up, review the radiology speak and realize that I’m married to a leg which is an elaborate road map of pain and destruction. Tearing, partial tearing, fluid build up, bursitis, plantar fasciitis, old tears, new ones, atrophy due to prolonged tendonitis. They even unveil damage done “from a probable ankle sprain”.
I remember that sprain acquired several years ago while running fast down a narrow circuitous trail during an adventure race. Taking a turn a bit too fast I broke loose the outside of the path (and my ankle) and went down as if getting bucked off a bronco. After clawing my way back up the hillside to the worried looks of my teammates I sat down hard, feeling like I was going to puke.
I’ve only experienced this post-injury-turning-white-as-a-sheet-puke-feeling a few times in my life (its called shock…). One other time was doing a sideways triple flip off my road bike on a high speed decent after my front tire blew in a corner. Along with some impressive road rash and a few other issues, I tore cartilage in my wrist. I never wear a watch on my road bike (athletic pet peeve #74) but for some reason that day I put one on. When I got home I noticed that the entire face of the watch had been sliced away by road impact. Though the wrist was internally injured the watch no doubt saved me from a significant wrist defacing.
Just as I got back on my bike post crash and rode the 50 miles back to my house (because my brain is programmed that way), I got up and tried to continue in the adventure race post ankle blow out. My leg swelled considerably. I responded by tying my shoe tighter. What wasn’t to be ignored was the full year it took to get the ankle 100% solid. Not that any unsolidness stopped me from training and racing on it.
Years later with proof that I had in fact torn a bunch of stuff in that ankle with my fall I still can admit I don’t think I would have done anything differently. Is this ignorant? Hubris? Delusional? Perhaps, but as all hard core endurance athletes with a high pain tolerance can attest there is some remote virtue in pushing ‘past’. Past notions of pain, past nature’s obstacles and mostly past the voices in our mind that say “you can’t”. Endurance athletes ride the fence of being our own hero of ‘pushing past’ or, succumbing to the sometimes-wisdom of deciding to come up short. Creating a satisfying sporting life within this truth is part of the art of training and racing.
In adventure racing a bright navigator makes sound educated nav decisions while, at times intuitively rolling the dice. If this process is done holistically well (taking everything that he knows into consideration at any moment), he makes the right call about 85-90% of the time. With my team, the other 15% of the time generated the most memorable “wild rides” I’ve experienced in adventure as well as top notch learning experiences.
With my Achilles issue I’ve been pushing past for a very long time while learning to manage the issue well enough to hit that 15% failure rate. Does that make me a dumb athlete? No. Actually if we assess our options frequently and with logic we will develop an important respectful relationship with our body, ease our minds, and make decisions that are mostly correct. Mostly correct isn’t so bad in a lifetime of sport. If we choose to play hard we may be required to visit 15% failure now and then.
My ankle has seen better days and will see better ones ahead. But the tough days and places it did see are vast and valuable and I can’t say I’d change how it played out. My challenge now is to sort out living in the 15% failure zone – a definite opportunity to see how smart I REALLY am as an athlete.
That said, I still envy all runners I see galloping down trails, but I’m starting to refocus on moving forward. Juices are flowing again and ideas forming… I’m not that good at baby steps so expect some big ones in the coming weeks….Terri